Jensen's Birth Story

Wow. Here we are. We made it to Jensen's birth. All the unknowns are now known. I'm hurting so much but also can't wait to share my beautiful baby boy with the world. 

2 weeks before my induction, we found out Jensen had flipped and was transverse (his back was down and over my cervix). This would mean I would have to have a c-section if he didn't flip by Monday, July 7th. He was such an active baby so there was definitely a possibility he would go head down again. The week before our induction, I just kept having this feeling that I was going to have a c-section due to his position. When we got to the hospital Monday morning, they did a quick ultrasound and he was head down. Part of me was happy but also part of me felt disappointed. I could have sworn all week, God was telling me I'd have a c-section. Oh well. This was good news as I was going to try and go unmedicated with 2 bereavement doula's by my side helping me. We had put on my birth plan that a c-section was our last option if we noticed that my life was at risk at any point during delivery. 

We started Cytotec at 8am that morning as I was only dilated to 1cm. 4 hours later I was at a 3 and we started Pitocin. We slowly upped the Pitocin all day. About 9.5-10 hours later, around 10pm, after laboring all day and managing contractions, I was checked and still only at a 3. I was so disappointed but also knew that because of his diagnosis that there was going to be a harder time having Jensen's help to dilate me. My midwife and nurse sat there reviewing my options. We could keep doing what we were doing and up the Pitocin every 30 minutes. Mind you, Pitocin was already at 12 and the hospital would automatically cap it at 20. We could get an epidural and just turn up Pitocin or we could go for a c-section. I excused everyone from our room and just broke down to Caiden as I was unsure what I should do. Deep down I felt the need to get a c-section but it felt so counter-intuitive as it was the last option we wanted to happen. I wasn't worried about trying for a VBAC in the future, but to sign myself up for major surgery especially while knowing that Jensen was going to pass and that a funeral would be happening soon, it just felt like a lot. 

I called my midwife and nurse back in and had them walk me through how the c-section would work and I told them about how I felt like I would have a c-section and my midwife was so supportive and reminded me to trust my intuition so we did. Within minutes, we were getting a new IV in and my OBGYN had gotten to the hospital. The anesthesiologist was in my room talking to me about the spinal block and the process of it all. Mentioned some nausea symptoms but that they would give me Zofran quick to help ease that if I were to feel that way *Spoiler Alert - I was SO nauseous.. like so nauseous* Before I knew it, our family was in our room and I was being wheeled away to the OR. 

~We had my midwife record the whole surgery which is absolutely wild to watch and now helps me realize why I hurt so bad. Man that's intense stuff. I've gained a whole new respect for c-section mama's. Absolute rockstars~

A moment I'll never forget was when I heard my OBGYN say, "Hi!! Happy Birthday!!" I couldn't wait for them to pull down that curtain so I could see my beautiful boy! They showed him to us and he let out a few soft cries/squeaks and before I knew it he was laying on my chest. 9 months of carrying this baby boy, 4 months of that spent researching and preparing as much as possible for him to join us and have a million plans/back-up plans for all the unknowns. The doctors all told me Jensen was the boss and we would have to follow his lead in everything. 

As I worked through another bout of nausea, I finally felt good and just stared at our baby Jensen that we had waited so long to meet. Here he was. Alive. I had them wrap him up and give him to Caiden to hold while they finished surgery. I was wheeled back into our room and within a few seconds, Caiden wheeled our boy in. We were welcomed by our families and boys and it was so special to share him with everyone. 

Hour 1 with our boy. Surreal. Euphoric. Sacred.

Born at 11:15pm. 5lbs 9oz. 18 inches long

Hodge Podge of Updates June 6, 2025

June 6, 2025

It's been a minute since I've found the time to sit down and give an update on the good ol' blog... okay, let's be real, I've had plenty of time to sit down and write.. I'm just lazy, and oh so tired. SO TIRED. I, in fact, am so tired that I ASKED for a blood draw today at my midwife appointment because I think I'm anemic and need some help. 

So here's the update: 

The conference room chat that I mentioned in my prior post, it went well. I only cried for like 3 whole minutes out of the 2 hours we were there. It's just small moments when you realize you're actually talking about how to make your child comfortably pass from this life where you have this like, "Wow. That's the conversation I'm having right now. This is real life." that catch me off guard and get me emotional. The team we met with were super awesome, kind, and knowledgeable which helped me breathe easier. After doing all my research on which hospital to deliver at, we went with the hospital in the city -- the one an hour and a half away from where we currently live. It's definitely a commitment to drive up every other week and soon every week, but I feel we will receive the best care. 

We bought our first home!! 

The home that I also mentioned in my prior post.. yeah.. the one that is 3 hours away from the hospital that we're delivering at.. yeah. That one! We closed a week ago. Luckily we have no rush to get moved over so we will slowly move throughout the month of June and officially be in by the end of the month. That drive to the hospital is gonna be long but it's okay. We also got an induction date scheduled for July 7th, which when I received the call to confirm this delivery day.. it made me sick to my stomach honestly. It put an "end" date on things if you want to put it that way. Partly feel sick because did I just pick Jensen's death date?

...moving on

This last weekend I had some pretty intense bleeding and was super concerned I was going into preterm labor. I headed to the local hospital where I met our good family friend Dr. Gilbert (also mentioned in previous posts) to ultrasound me quickly to see if we needed to head to the city hospital's ER. He even called my previous OBGYN who stopped by my appointment to look at my ultrasound to double check everything. They sent me up to labor and delivery to have a non-stress test and everything seemed fine.. so while I'm clueless as to why I was bleeding, Jensen was super active the whole time and honestly, I was more concerned about my health then Jensen's in that moment because he seemed to be happily kicking like he always does. Luckily, the bleeding has tapered off and I'm praying it stays away. 

Another neat experience throughout all this -- Jensen has been breach my entire pregnancy. About a month ago, my midwife had mentioned that as we got closer to delivery, she could give me some tricks to help try to flip him head down. After that appointment, in our family prayers every night, I would try to be specific and ask that Jensen would go head down before labor. 2 weeks after that appointment, I went in for another MFM ultrasound and the tech was in awe at how low Jensen is and BOY DO I FEEL IT. He is so lowwww. I'm just super grateful that God listened to my prayers and that Jensen is such a good listener and decided to go head down. Not always common for anencephalic babies. 

We've started talking to Remi and Free about Jensen's diagnosis. Its brought me to tears a few times as we try to be as honest about Jensen's situation with them. I've tried explaining what and where their brains are and that Jensen is missing a lot of his and so he won't be coming home with us. Remi now understands that Jensen will live with Jesus "at his house" in Heaven, which has been so special to see him *kinda* grasp what that means. The heartbreaking moments are when Remi says, "But I won't get to play with him?!?" in a very concerned and sad tone. ...no buddy. Jensen won't get to play with you. We've talked about bringing a toy to the hospital with him for when he meets Jensen and Remi is now on the hunt for a good toy. He keeps asking me if he should bring his Hot Wheels Garage, which is 3-4 times Remi's size haha 

I've started having dreams about delivering Jensen. I wouldn't say good dreams, I wouldn't say bad.. but ones that I wake up from feeling depressed and not wanting to get out of bed. I'm 5 weeks away from delivering him and all the unknowns will become lived experiences and part of me feels ready. Part of me wants to get it over with. The other part of me is hoping it never comes. It's a weird balance. 

So overall, the anxiety is starting to get to me.. but I try to not let it overcome this experience and make it a negative thing. I'm just praying that the day we meet and the day we say goodbye to Jensen (while I know it will be traumatizing and heartbreaking) I hope the overall feelings are joy, love and peace. 

-Aubrey

"Palliative Care" March 28, 2025

March 28, 2025 

It's been one month since we found out about Jensen's diagnosis. This week I passed my glucose test and met with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) again. I'm not necessarily tired of talking about Jensen and his diagnosis, but it seems the days that I feel like I'm talking to medical doctors about next steps and my delivery options and what not, I feel drained the rest of the day. I don't know if that relates to these conversations because I'm not necessarily crying through them or really even struggling to talk about what my options look like. So, maybe they're not even tied. Maybe it's just growing a little human inside of you. haha 

Other than his head, Jensen is growing right on track. Isn't that such a weird thing? For something so severely to be going on - ya know, like having very little brain tissue and skull - but be kicking away and growing as he should? It's such an odd thing to me, which is why I feel like grief is such a weird thing too right now. Trust me. I have my moments where I really just need a good cry... and sometimes it's just a subtle thing that triggers me - like driving past a cemetery and realizing we'll have a SON in one soon. yuck. I don't like that. 

Jensen is so active. My most active baby. It's honestly a gift. The pregnancy insomnia isn't so lonely when I've got him kickin' me reminding me he's still around. I've tried to pay attention to what makes him most active but honestly, he just likes when I eat food. 

Remi and Free know Jensen's name and are starting to comprehend that they have another brother. It was really sweet the other night putting the boys to bed and Remi randomly mentioned loving his brother Freeman. I responded with, "Awe that's sweet bud. Ya know, baby Jensen is also your brother. He just needs more time to grow before he comes out of mom's belly to meet you." The look on Remi's face when he exclaimed, "I have TWO brothers?! Thank you mom!" He's such a sweetie...most of the time. Freeman mostly asks to see my belly then says, "Baby Jensen, wake up!" and claims he felt him kick haha. Not quite sure how we'll break the news to them that baby Jensen won't be coming home with us.. we'll cross that bridge when we're ready. 

In other news, my high risk OB talked about how most likely he will be born alive. You google the stats and most of it says that anencephalic babies don't even make it to term and are almost always stillborn. So I'm not sure what to believe. I'm preparing for a stillborn baby, anything else will be great and of course, accepted. I'm learning more about "Palliative Care" - it's where doctors and nurses are trained in how to make everyone comfortable in situations like a terminal diagnosis. In fact, Caiden and I are waiting to get a meeting scheduled down in the city with a whole team of doctors who are on the palliative care team to talk about all our options and what delivery will look like from their end. Another weird thing- I'm now one of those people who sits in a conference room with a team of nurses/doctors/social workers while they brief me on what's about to happen in a few months. I'm sure I will cry in that meeting. How can I not when a ton of medical people sit there and try to prepare me for what I'm dreading? They've seen it. They know it. Me? I have no idea what's about to happen. 

In other news, we put an offer in on a home about an hour and a half away from where we currently are. Which is exciting but adds a whole new layer of crap I need to deal with. Currently, we are about an hour and a half away from the city but we have a very small rural hospital about 20 minutes away from us. My OB is prepared to deliver me and I really love her, but the hospital staff isn't trained in palliative care and would need some training, which I'm told they will get for our situation. I'm just not sure if I want my delivery to be the guinea pig for their training.. if that makes sense? My high risk OB today said that even the greatest nurse who hasn't dealt with anencephaly before could get squeamish in the moment if they're not properly trained. SO... we have the option to deliver in the city - an hour and a half away - where my high risk OB is located (and the whole palliative care team that I mentioned prior - ya know, the conference room?) They have awesome resources and have delivered many anencephalic babies... but IF we get this home, it's an hour and a half away in the OPPOSITE direction of the city (making the city a 3 hour drive.) This new home is closer to a bigger city than we currently are by, that also has hospitals close by, but at this moment, I am unsure of their resources/palliative care options. My social worker is going to try and get some contacts for me over the next few days so I can reach out and see if they have anything great. So. basically I have to research three to four different hospitals and see which one I think will work best for us.. I will most likely be induced with Jensen as most anencephalic babies need that extra help with labor and delivery so if we get this house and move but still wanted to deliver in the city with the palliative care team, it would only be a 3 hour drive. 

Reading that paragraph back, it's worded terribly, but I'm too lazy to figure out how to better explain our situation. If you looked at a map and had a red dot in the middle, that's where we currently live with a hospital 20 minutes away with less resources. An hour and a half down on that map you put a blue dot and that's where my high risk OB and palliative care team are located (the hospital that sounds like the most experienced). Now, go back to the red dot. Now go an hour and a half above from the red dot and put a yellow dot. That's where we are hoping to move. About 20 minutes away from the yellow dot they have 2 hospitals that may have decent/good resources - or not so great. Did that help? Guess I'm not that lazy after all. 

Anywho. Lots to think about. Lots to process. I also need to try and get on Medicaid for pregnancy.. and WIC for our kids. We honestly are going to need the financial help if we get this home while also paying off medical bills this year... But trying to get through to the Medicaid people is a NIGHTMARE. You're on hold for like 4 hours before you talk to someone and then they help you for 5 minutes and then have to transfer you to another team and you're on hold again for 2 hours. It's ridiculous. I'm putting off the phone call but really need to get it done. 

"I know he's whole the way he is, but it still sucks" March 11, 2025

March 11, 2025

It's been about 2 weeks since finding out about Jensen's diagnosis. What a whirlwind. It's flown by honestly. We found out on Monday, Feb. 24th after my 20 week anatomy scan, got into maternal fetal medicine on Tuesday, Feb. 25th for my official anatomy scan to confirm his diagnosis, then Wednesday, Feb. 26th, I flew out to Idaho for a preplanned trip to visit my family. Me and the boys went for a week and kept busy with cousins and grandparents. It seemed to all workout as far as the timing as it was good for me to be in person having such deep conversations about Jensen's diagnosis with my family. But I won't lie, it made for an emotionally exhausting week. My body seemed to be grieving faster than I was processing as I would wake up around 5:30am with my heart racing, stomach ache brewing, and tears ready to be released. These symptoms slowly disappeared near the end of our time in Idaho. While it was hard to have these conversations, it's helped me cope a bit. I found the hardest thing about being in Idaho was the realization that the next time I would most likely see the people I love would be at my son's funeral...

Today, March 11th, a perinatal nurse and social worker from a hospital called me and talked through everything. It was a good hour and a half phone call, but I noticed mentally I was drained afterwards. We talked all things from how to chat with my 3 and 2 year old about their baby brother's death to Jensen's birth plan and how to help engorged breasts once my milk came in with no baby to relieve them... 

In the 2 weeks that we've had this diagnosis, I've found the most uncomfortable thing has been people looking at me like I'm a wounded puppy instead of just talking to me about Jensen. I understand these people are hurting for me and care and it's well intended, but being on this side of something this traumatic, I now understand that it doesn't help. I wish people would just talk to me about it. If I'm not in the mood, I'll say it. Losing my third son to Anencephaly is my new reality. Something I'm facing everyday. I'd much prefer we just talk about it instead of you just avoiding the elephant in the room. I can also recognize that I was probably that person that avoided the elephant in the room many a times. I was the person who looked sadly on another in their trauma instead of asking kind and caring questions and sitting in their hurt with them. Of course, my feelings towards their hurt were well intended and I'm sure I'll do it in the future, but I'm learning and hope to be better...

I've found that I'm getting triggered without even comprehending what's triggering. I hear the word "brain" and feel weird. I see pictures of cute babies and I notice how cute their round head is. I see influencers posting what they wore/ate in a day 15 weeks pregnant. I see a friend sharing pictures of their cute newborn and I just close out of social media. I don't feel anger or jealous. It's just hard. I'm not sure if this is normal, maybe the anger and jealousy will come, but for now, it's almost like subconsciously I'm not allowing myself to even go there. I know the thoughts it will cause, I know the feelings it will bring. I don't want to sit in a "poor me" place wishing for Jensen to be made whole. I know his diagnosis is not changing. I know he's whole the way he is, but it still sucks. I don't want to allow the anger or jealousy to creep in. So maybe if I just don't look at these things, it won't...

I've connected with a few people who have had children born with fatal diagnosis similar to Jensen's. Those conversations have been so nice as these people can understand almost exactly where I'm at and what I'm feeling. They've also been tender as I've started grasping that the hard conversations about Jensen's life will never go away. For some reason, I thought they would subside once I no longer had a huge belly and waddled everywhere. While people can easily look at me and assume I'm preparing to bring a beautiful new baby to our home, instead, I'm calling mortuaries and planning a funeral...

Life will never be the same... and today, while I've looked okay on the outside, I've felt completely numb on the inside. 

I'm aching to just bring my beautiful baby boy home. 

I'm aching to put up his bassinet beside my bed and get all his cute newborn clothes washed and ready for him. 

I'm aching as I'm teaching my 2 toddlers about their baby brother named Jensen in moms belly and hearing them say his name and talk about how they also have a baby Jensen in their bellies. 

How did this happen? 

Jensen Wilkins February 26, 2025

February 26, 2025

Jensen Wilkins💙

We have only known about Jensen's diagnosis for a short 48 hours. Wow. So many emotions in such a short amount of time. My body seems to be recognizing the grief faster than my brain is processing it. Random heart racing moments, random nausea moments, random stomach issues. Our bodies are incredible, but also, it sucks to wake up with so much anxiety. Mornings seem to be the most tender for me. 

Never ever have I been a person to commit to a name for my kid before actually seeing them. With Remi, we had 3 names that we had our nurses and doctors vote on haha Remington was the least voted for but it felt right. It is the right name for him. Freeman. Ha. My whole pregnancy I was in love with the name "Beckett" and I was so excited for it. Then he came out and I looked at him and knew Beckett wasn't his name. We had a few other options for him, but Caiden and I couldn't quite agree on them. So how did Freeman get his name you ask? *Caiden cuts the cord* OB: "Well, You're a free man" *Caiden: 👀" and yeah. That's how he got his name. Again, it is the right name for him haha it's so random but one of our favorite stories. 

Let's set the scene before I go into how we decided on Jensen at 20 weeks pregnant. We found out we were pregnant the night of the 2024 election. We were excited and shocked and also I felt a little dread having a third child when I felt all consumed by my 2 toddlers already. But, of course, the excitement was at the top of the emotions. I finally got in to see our OB and have our first ultrasound around 9 weeks and it was good. Shortly after I started having random thoughts about miscarriage. I chalked it up to hearing stories of loved ones and just pregnancy thoughts. These thoughts just kept coming and I finally sat down with Caiden and told him that these thoughts were there and I verbally said, "I'm not saying this will happen, but if I miscarry, God has prepared me." I am SO grateful I verbalized these vulnerable feelings. Again, these thoughts didn't consume me. They honestly didn't give me anxiety. They were just random thoughts. I shared these thoughts with actually a couple other people, but again, we all assume everything will go smoothly so you just dismiss these.

Fast forward to the weekend before my anatomy scan. I started to have some bleeding. It wasn't enough to make me circle down the drain in anxiety but I definitely was on edge. I decided to take it easy that weekend. Lying down seemed to slow the flow so that's what I did. As I was home alone while everyone was at church, I was lying in bed watching reels and came across a sad story of a mother who passed away from cancer leaving behind her 5 year old son and husband. As I learned more about their story I became weepy that soon became full blown sobbing. I had the distinct thought, "Aubrey. This is sad but I'm not THIS sad about it." I was caught off guard by my own meltdown. I sat up in bed and another distinct thought came, "I'm going to lose the baby." Immediately upon this fleeting thought my chest felt half peace, half numbness. The tears slowed down and I got up out of bed, moved to the couch to kinda give myself a reset. I noted that if I miscarry, God has been preparing me, but again, I mostly chalked it up to random pregnancy thoughts and concerns and moved on. Little did I know what the next morning had in store for me. 

After finding out about Jensen's diagnosis and learning that I was indeed going to lose our baby at some point in time, it's still traumatizing and difficult, but I find peace in knowing that God so explicitly prepared me. While I feel extremely unprepared for the future, at the same time, I feel prepared. It's weird. 

During my first trimester, I threw around the name Jensen for a boy. I had a few options if we so happened to have a girl, but only really liked Jensen at the time. After our anatomy scan and before the phone call that flipped our world upside down, we chatted about names and again, I brought up Jensen. I went through my "NAMES" list on my phone that I've had since high school and went through all the boy names. My newest addition being Jensen. As we drove home, Caiden asked me, "Does this one feel different?" I hesitated but eventually said, "Yes, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is." 20 minutes later we got the first news of his diagnosis. Caiden shared with me then that he asked me that because he felt like we just weren't going to meet this baby boy of ours. 

As we laid in our bed an hour after the phone call preparing to call my parents, I felt like I needed to look up Jensen's name and what it means. My phone immediately pulled up "God is Gracious." While this feels the furthest thing from a gracious act from God, I couldn't help but feel so much love from Him because he prepared me in a way that I immediately recognized. What a blessing. Soon after, we decided that his name would be Jensen.

While it feels foreign to have a name to my baby that I've never seen before, it's felt right. He needs a name while we have him, and him being in my belly might be the only time we have with him so Jensen it is. 

-Aubrey

"...it's a fatal diagnosis. I'm so sorry" February 26, 2025

 February 26, 2025

"I have some bad news... your baby has what we call Anencephaly...it's a fatal diagnosis. I'm so sorry" 

tears started streaming down my face faster than I could process finding out our 20 week ultrasound just 30 minutes prior to this phone call didn't go exactly how we thought. But! Hindsight is 20/20 and it makes sense that her computer wasn't recognizing his head, how she kept saying because of his position she couldn't get a good profile/spine/head pictures, and that an appointment that usually takes 45 minutes took us 20 minutes. The poor ultrasound tech. She knew and couldn't tell us. She put on a brave face and kept us excited and completely unaware that our baby was missing most of his brain tissue and skull. 

Oh how grateful I am for Mike Gilbert, the head of ultrasound and also a family friend, who took it upon himself to deliver this intense news. As we ourselves tried to process this news, we also were telling our parents amidst the high emotions, all while trying to prepare to take my oldest son, Remington, to his first cardiology appointment. Yeah, stacked those on the same day since Caiden had the day off.. it was a lot. Luckily, Remi's heart murmur is innocent and he will grow out of it. Some comforting news in our day. Oh, did I forget to mention on our way to Remi's appointment our car randomly died at an intersection? Ha. I guess that saying "when it rains, it pours" could be appropriate here. But honestly, the car was the least of my worries and I sat in the front seat in my stalled car waiting for the tow truck laughing about it while eating McDonalds. 

The next 24 hours were a whirlwind. With an upcoming trip to see my family, my OB was able to get me into Maternal Fetal Medicine (the high risk OB), the next day. So the next 24 hours were spent researching and researching this big scary word "Anencephaly" that has never been part of my vocabulary.

So let's chat about it, shall we? 

"Anencephaly (A-nuhn-seh-fuh-lee): A baby born with an underdeveloped brain and an incomplete skull

Symptoms: Absence of the cerebrum and cerebellum

Prognosis: Death typically occurs within hours to days after birth" - Google

Heavy. Really heavy. Then you start googling the stats and it feels even heavier.

Was I going to miscarry? The research pointed to most likely not making it to 37 weeks.

If I do miscarry, what will that look like? Will it be like a first trimester miscarriage, where it's like you're having a heavy menstrual cycle while passing baby tissue? Will it mean surgery? Will it mean going to labor and delivery and actually delivering our son? All heavy options. 

I arrived at my second anatomy scan just 24 hours after my first, and they didn't hold back. The ultrasound tech printed about a million pictures of my 3rd son and while we never once mentioned his diagnosis, I could clearly see his deformity. After all the pictures, I had a telehealth appointment with my high risk OB, Dr Edwards, who was tender and knowledgeable about our situation. I found comfort in finally receiving answers. We didn't talk about the termination option as that wasn't an option for me. So we focused our conversation on carrying our little boy as long as he would let us, which she comforted me and said there is a high chance we could carry to full term. Of course, I could miscarry earlier, but at this stage in pregnancy that would look like a labor and delivery scenario no matter what. Our little boy could be stillborn or have a few minutes to hours to days of life in him. We are still anxiously waiting for that part of the story. 

How did this happen? Was it my fault? I wasn't the best at being consistent with my prenatal.. the guilt set in.. maybe I could have prevented this.. It's still something I think about. Again, heavy. 

Dr. Edwards explained with anencephalic babies, they check for other markers like down syndrome, Trisomy 13 and 18 etc. The reason they check for these things, is because if your baby shows signs of these other conditions on top of anencephaly, then it could be a genetic mutation to be looked into. But since our boy didn't have any other markers, she felt comfortable saying that this was an embryo mutation. She stated that for the general population you have a 1% chance of having a baby with a neural tube defect. For those moms in that 1%, that's me, our percentage increases to 3% for future pregnancies. This means that us 1% mommies are now on a prescription dose of folic acid for basically our child bearing years. The normal dose of folic acid in a typical prenatal is 4 micrograms. When you're in the 1% club (can I say that? Is that okay?) your dose of folic acid jumps to 4 milligrams. Honestly, I have no idea how big of a jump that is, but Dr. Edwards says it's a prescription and people will most likely look at me like I'm crazy for taking that much folic acid. So anyway. Here we are. 

I found this on the internet regarding Microgram vs. Milligram. I didn't heavily research this cause I honestly don't care too much but just for reference: 

Milligram: One milligram is one thousandth of a gram and one thousand micrograms.
Microgram: One microgram is one millionth of a gram and one thousandth of a milligram.

For now, our sweet perfect boy is growing basically on schedule (besides, of course, his head). He is active. Very active. Perceptions change when you're throwing death into the mix, so instead of excitement for the typical "getting this baby out of me" due to discomfort, I'm hoping to keep him as long as he will let me. I'm hoping we get to have at least a few minutes of life with him come July. But I also find peace that he's made it this long. We'll see. 

-Aubrey

4 Months - A Letter to Jensen

 4 months ago we welcomed you into our arms. 4 months ago a lot of the unknowns became reality. This milestone hits harder for me as it was at 4 months pregnant when we found out about your diagnosis. 4 months of trying to grasp our new reality, trying to plan and prepare the best way we could, 4 months of tears and grief. It honestly felt like the longest 4 months of my life.. and yet, here we are. 4 months postpartum and it's been the fastest 4 months of my life. It's unfair. It's scary. Time is going too quickly. What if I start forgetting little details? I've already started forgetting how it felt to hold you. All 5 pounds and 9 ounces of you. You were so small. But also didn't really feel all that small since you were always swaddled in two blankets. I was scared to hold newborns for awhile, but I finally did it. It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. You were so different than these babies. So still. So quiet. Rarely opened your eyes, rarely made noises other than you suckling and your hiccups. It makes me happy that you were different and that holding newborns doesn't absolutely kill me, but it hurts too. Hurt's that I don't get the newborn grunts and scrunch. Makes the reality of your time here hit deeper and sting more as you were different because of your anomaly. I wish I knew how much you comprehended during those 6 days. 

The other day the boys were riding their bikes along the sidewalk, Remi leading and Freeman close behind. I envisioned you following behind. It was a precious thought and invoked a small sense of sadness in me. The last time I felt that was the week we found out about the Anencephaly and the boys were playing in the living room. The sadness sat with me longer then. I've turned my attention to making our house a home. I've bought tons of picture frames and I'm dying to get them all filled up with pictures of our family. I chuckle at the thought of trying to balance remembering you but not making a Jensen shrine all over our house. We received so many wonderful gifts during and after your life-how do I pick what to put up and what to put in our "Jensen" bin? 

The world is scary. I'm so glad you don't have to live in it. I've wanted to crawl inside a hole and just go back to our 6 days with you. No cares about anything other than our little family. Snuggling you, the boys joining us in the mornings and gawking over you and your tiny features. Heaven feeling so unbelievably close. Now, I'm dealing with all the postpartum hormones with two toddlers and trying to be consistent. I'm not good at consistency, Jensen. You would've learned that eventually.. you probably actually already knew that haha.

Happy 4 months Jensen boy. We’re finalizing the details for your headstone. A terrible birthday gift honestly, but it's going to be beautiful and I can't wait to see it. I know you're where you're needed but it doesn't take the sting away of not having you here. For awhile, Remi would ask me how to cut the brain off. He thought that since your brain was exposed that if we would've just cut it off, you would've been normal and got to stay. I keep trying to teach him that we need a brain and that our brains are inside our heads. So now he keeps asking me for a normal baby. One with a brain on the inside. It's sweet and tender. Makes me sad, but also makes me happy he loves you so much to want another one of you here. He’s in his singing era and loves to sing about you and how he misses you and how you’re with Jesus and in outer space. Come visit us please.

Love,

Mom

Freeman's Birth

 I was scheduled to get induced at 10am March 10th, 2023. One day after my due date. The hospital called me the night before my induction and offered to move me up to 5am but I wanted as much sleep as I could get. Funny enough, contractions woke me up around 2am and while I tried to move around and sit on the birthing ball, I was up and ready to go to the hospital around 4:30am. So we ended up getting there at 5am anyway. 

Before I left our house I had the labor shakes and was hoping to get the epidural ASAP. Of course, before we left, I had to wash my feet in our tub really quickly because TikTok ruined me. I saw a video of a lady who had asked her OB if they truly don't care about things during labor and while her OB sincerely didn't mind anything, they said that if they had to pick one thing, often times women's feet are in the stirrups right by their face. There was no way I was going to have stinky feet for my OB haha priorities man. 

I was in so much pain in my contractions. For our 15 minute drive to the hospital I was thinking I had to be close to transition cause I was so uncomfortable. We pulled up to the hospital and went in through the door I thought they told me to enter in, and we could not find the elevators to get up to the labor and delivery floor. Caiden was frantically trying to find them while also trying to apply counter pressure every few minutes. Eventually I found the stairs and we started up them. We got to the door and it was LOCKED?! Yes. Locked. WTF. I literally thought I was going to have this baby in the stairwell. Finally a nurse walked past the door and let us in while saying, "I found them!" Someone had called up to labor and delivery alerting them that we had just entered in the hospital but we never came up so they were confused where we had disappeared to haha

We got settled into our room and of course you have to answer a million and a half questions to get you in the system before you can get your epidural. Felt like forever, but I was grateful for my 2 nurses who helped me breathe and stay calm through most of my contractions. Finally anesthesiology came and I got my epidural. Remember how it took 3 tries to get my epidural with Remi? Welp, this followed suit. Except during one of his tries, I felt this big prick and the whole left side of my body jerked while I yelled out, "Ouch!" Finally he got it. 

The rest of labor and delivery was so smooth. I finally was at a 10 around 11am and my OB said there was a first time mom across the hall who also was at a 10 and wasn't sure where he should go first. I told him to let baby boy descend and to go help the other mom. I teared up when I heard her and her husband cry in joy and relief once their first baby made their grand appearance. Such a tender moment. He then came in and told me it was time and within 8 minutes, our second baby boy was here! 

My whole pregnancy, I was in love with the name "Beckett". I never fully commit to a name until I see my baby but I really loved it and planned on it. I brought a few other names to the hospital as well just in case. As soon as I saw our baby, I knew his name WAS NOT Beckett. I was so bummed because I loved it so much but it just didn't fit. So Caiden and I tossed around the other names we talked about for a few hours but just couldn't agree. Finally, Caiden looks at me and says, "I know we haven't talked about this name, but what do you think about Freeman?" I was totally surprised and wasn't sure of it. The only familiarity I had with the name was back when I dated a guy named Freeman haha I liked the name but also, it wasn't one we had ever discussed so I just wasn't sure I could commit. We mulled over it for a few hours. 

Our baby boy was born with a full head of dark stick straight hair, nothing like Remi as a newborn. He had big blue eyes and was just such a sweet baby. My mom brought Remi over a few hours later and while Remi had no idea what was going on, it was so sweet to have our family together. This birth was so different from Remi's and I was so grateful for that. Shortly after delivery, I was noticing that every time I sat up in bed, my neck would start to lock up and I'd get this dull headache at the base of my head. I mentioned it to the nurses but it wasn't severe so we kind of just waited to see if it would progress. It did. I would start feeling this pain maybe 30 minutes after sitting up, then I'd lay down and ice/heat it for awhile and then sit up again to nurse and the pain would come back in 5 minutes and then it was just there immediately anytime I'd sit up. 

I brought up the possibility of spinal headaches to my nurses but since the symptoms weren't totally in line with the usual ones, they were hesitant about it. Finally the morning before getting discharged the anesthesiologist came up and said we could try a blood patch. Which is basically another epidural but at the same time as them putting the big needle in your back, they're also taking a HUGE vial of blood out of your arm, to put into your back - hence "blood patch" Luckily, this guy got the epidural placed in one try, not three, and I did not pass out while they had 2 big ol' needles in me while sitting up. While he slowly started to push my blood into my back, the pain in my neck slowly relieved. It was the craziest thing. He told me to take it easy as blood patches can dislodge and the pain can come back.

Sunday we went home and I was feeling a lot better. We had wonderful meals brought to us from our ward family and were in newborn bliss. Tuesday, we woke up to take him to his 2 day appointment and I sat up in bed and my headaches were back. My neck immediately locked up and I was in tears knowing that the blood patch had dislodged. How do you function with a newborn and needing to nurse when you can't even sit up in bed? I was so upset. Caiden took him to his appointment while I called the hospital to see if I should get another blood patch or what I could do to help my symptoms. 

A blood patch has a 75% chance of working the first time and a 90% chance of working the second time. For those who don't know, spinal headaches occur when there is a leak in spinal fluid. From my understanding, the leakage causes less spinal fluid that is helping hold your skull up, so when the fluid leaks and decreases, your skull doesn't have as much holding it up which causes the headaches. It sounds severe and in some cases is really severe. The blood patch is when they put your fresh blood back in the spinal cavity to create a scab over the hole to stop the leakage. (I think.. at least this is how I understood it all haha) 

So when your blood patch dislodges, you can do 2 things. Schedule another blood patch or take Tylenol and drink lots and lots of caffeine. I was really not wanting another blood patch as my back was just starting to heal from the last one so there I was at 9am chugging a Dr. Pepper while popping back some Tylenol. It didn't completely relieve my symptoms but did help them be more manageable. My neck was just so locked up I couldn't turn my head and instead had to turn my whole body. It was so uncomfortable. By Friday morning, I knew I had a decision to make on if I wanted to get another blood patch as I knew it was the weekend and that the doctors might not be as easily accessible. I was in pain and just wanted it to go away so I could function normally with my newborn, but again, I really didn't want another blood patch. Caiden and our landlord upstairs gave me a blessing of healing and I cried through the whole thing. I went back to my bed and took a nap and when I woke up, my spinal headaches had healed. I was so thankful that my body could now function fairly normal. 

So while you all know that we did end up naming our cute boy Freeman, I'm sure you're wondering how we ended up deciding on it. It went a little something like this: 

OB: "Okay dad, cut the cord"

Caiden: *Cuts cord*

OB: "Welp, you're a free man!" 

Caiden: 👀👀👀

Caiden: *thinks to himself "Freeman, that's a good name" 

It's now one of our favorite stories and we just had to name him Freeman because of it. So thanks to Dr. Laraway for naming our second born. 

 We love our Freeman J so much!

Remi's Birth Story

I'm laughing at how I thought I'd keep up with this blog once a year. My previous post titled "Pregnancy" was written a few weeks before Remi was born (Nov. of 2021) and I just published it in 2023.. hahaha killin' it over here!

Lil life update. We had our cute baby boy and named him Remington Weston Wilkins after Caiden's little brother, Weston, who passed away. Now he is 14 months old and has a spicy attitude with as much flare as I think we can handle. At birth he was 7lbs 9oz, 21 inches and was born on Sunday, 11/21/2021 at 4:02 PM. 

Here we are at the end of January in 2023 expecting our second baby boy come March. Went from posting about being pregnant with our first to being pregnant with our second. Whew. Time flies. and just like I said in my previous post, I've been feeling the need to write about Remi's birth so I can open up some space in my mind and heart to welcome our second baby and all that is in store the next few weeks. 

LABOR AND DELIVERY

What a whirlwind labor and delivery is, especially with your first! I had taken hypnobirthing courses throughout pregnancy and was shooting for an unmedicated birth, though, as long as I felt like my voice was heard in the decisions being made, I was open to anything that came my way. Due to having Gestational Diabetes, they would not let me go past 40 weeks, so I had an induction date scheduled for 11/22/2021. I reeeeealllly did not want to be induced and wanted my body and baby to let me know when they were ready so the last few weeks before delivery, I was trying to figure out the best way to 'induce' my body as naturally as I could. The Thursday before my induction I decided I would get my membranes stripped to see if that would put me into labor. There's a lot of different opinions out there as to if this actually works. Who knows? All I know is that night around 2am I started cramping and contractions started. 

I knew that this was common within 24 hours of having your membranes sweeped so I went out to the couch and labored on my own the whole night as I knew Caiden had an early meeting at work. Around 5am and very little sleep, I woke Caiden up and asked if he could miss work and stay home with me for the day to help me through my very uncomfortable contractions. Of course he did and little did he know that he would be working out the next 3 days as he was there to apply counter pressure almost every contraction (not an easy job). Friday night came and I hopped in the bath to try and make myself more comfortable. Funny side note, we lived at BYU married housing on campus at the time and our apartment got very little hot water. So Caiden literally boiled pots of water to try and keep me comfortable that evening hahah what a time. Thanks Wymount for the memssssss!

Friday night was another sleepless night filled with contractions. Saturday morning I finally called it and told Caiden we needed to go to the hospital to at least see if I was progressing. To my disappointment I was still only 3 cm dilated and 85% effaced, exactly what I was at at my appointment 2 days prior😭. They gave me a shot of morphine in my hip and we ran to good ol' Walmart to get some carby foods to help us get through the evening (Gestational Diabetes who??). By the time we made it home, I was FEELIN' GOOD! That morphine shot was amazing and I finally was able to sleep for a solid 4 hours. I woke up to those pesky contractions, but they definitely felt a bit more painful. We labored at home with more intense counter pressure for the next 4 hours until around 8pm I was almost in tears through my contractions. We headed back to the hospital and I was finally 5cm dilated and 90% effaced. Woohoo. We were havin' a baby!!

My best friend and unofficial Doula, Jazmin, (and in Caiden's words, "a literal angel") met us at the hospital and was there to help take some of those counter pressures off of Caiden's shoulders and help me with pain management. It was another all nighter at the hospital and Jaz stayed up with me all night. She forced Caiden to go sleep since we had basically been pulling all nighters the last 2 days. She was literally an angel as she had been at home being a wonderful mother and wife all day, to come spend an all nighter working out with me. I sat in the tub at the hospital for awhile that night to help with the discomfort but after awhile that warm water made me realize how exhausted I was. We all started to notice that my contractions were slowing down and getting farther apart which we felt wasn't a good sign. Jaz tried to encourage me to walk around with her, to try different things to get contractions to pick back up, but I knew that if I did those things, it would only bring more pain and exhaustion. I started to cry to her and Caiden as I really wanted to get through this but felt like I didn't have anymore energy in me and that I would need more energy in order to push Remi out when the time came. (At that time, we had no idea when pushing would even be happening.) Jaz and Caiden told me to get checked and see how much I had progressed the last 10 hours and if I wasn't very far, I should get an epidural. So around 5am they checked me and I was only at 6.5cm. I was so disheartened but also chuckled and said, "Yeah, get me that epidural" within the next hour my anesthesiologist was there to place my epidural. 

Happy as can be even though it's in the middle of the night haha

Pure exhaustion

At that same time he was prepping me, there was a mother that had just gotten admitted that was 7cm dilated and just screaming. Like literally from the movies. I was like... YEAHHH get that needle in my spine. hahaha I really loved my anesthesiologist. He was so encouraging and comforting to talk to, which people find funny that I loved him cause it took him 3 times to get my epidural to work 😆. The first time, he couldn't get the catheter to thread, the second time my pulse skyrocketed and he thought he may have hit a blood vessel or something. He and the nurse seemed a little shocked and confused by it but he got it on the third try and honestly, the whole time, I didn't even care. I was so ready for some pain relief and sleep. After my epidural was placed, I started to feel really lightheaded like I was going to pass out, so he came back in and turned the medicine down stating, "You're a small petite woman and this is some strong medicine, I'm going to turn it down a little bit." haha after that it was great. I finally got some much needed sleep. They broke my water a few hours later and around 1:30pm on Sunday I was finally 10cm and ready to push. My Midwife was at another hospital delivering another baby so we just chilled for an hour letting Remi work his way down on his own. When she got there it was go time. 

I forgot to mention, once I got my epidural, I told Jaz to go home and see her baby/husband and get some sleep. She had helped so much but I knew she was needed at home with her family. My sister was elated to receive a call from me a few hours later to see if she wanted to come and be there for my delivery. I think she even made her husband get breakfast to go and drop her off at the hospital so she wouldn't miss it. Grateful she was able to be there and that she was able to document a lot of my birth. 

My Midwife finally got there and I pushed for an hour and a half until Remi made his big arrival. Although I was unmedicated for 2.5 days prior, that hour and a half of pushing was somethin' else! haha but glad he made it here safely. Remi, who was "Buddy" for the next 24+ hours cause we didn't know what to name him, was placed on my chest and I just cried. It was such an exhausting and painful few days, to have him finally on my chest was such a surreal feeling. I was proud of myself for working so hard to get him here. 

        Caiden encouraging me to keep pushing

About 30 minutes later I realized that my body was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't hold onto Rem. I had Caiden take him and I just remember feeling sooo cold. I kept telling the nurses that my legs were so cold but they just kept piling blankets on the upper half of my body. Little did I know at the time, but I was hemorrhaging from 2 internal second degree tears and my body was going into shock. I vaguely remember them telling me that Remi's blood sugar was low and that they would need to take him to the nursery for a little bit, which I had instructed Caiden to never leave our baby's side. Luckily my sister was there to stay by mine. I also vaguely remember a nurse telling me they needed to draw my blood to run some tests to see if I would need a blood transfusion. I passed the tests so I guess that's good haha

My sisters words while taking this 

picture, "I know you hate this now, but we'll 

look back and laugh at it someday"

3 was my lucky number that day because it took 3 different tries to stitch me up. Internal tears can be hard to detect and they bleed a lot more so it's hard to see the complete tear. My Midwife stitched me up the first time and didn't get the whole tear, so the on-call OB and her stitched me up a second time and still didn't get all of it... so after undoing those stitches, they finally got everything cleaned up on the third try. I think I was sitting there for like an hour while they stitched me up? Idk. Time was such a blur once Remi arrived. 

Caiden sitting at the foot of my bed while they stitched me

The next few days at the hospital were also such a blur. I didn't really feel super connected with Remi, which I wasn't concerned about and knew we'd bond over time. I also think my body was in a state of trauma after everything (probably like most women's bodies are after delivering a baby haha.) I was so grateful to have Caiden by my side as I was so dazed with just the healing of my own body. Postpartum was a wild ride but I won't get into that on this post.. which means I probably won't get into it at all seeing the trend of my life updates on this lil' blog of mine. haha

I'm so grateful for my nurses throughout my hospital stay. They were so sweet and helpful. Seriously, cried on the way home from the hospital and told Caiden, "I'm going to miss all our friends" hahaha they were the best and just so fun and loving. 

BACK TO PRESENT DAY

So. Here we are a few weeks away from delivering another boy. I've felt a lot of anxiety with the thought of labor and delivery, but also, tried to combat that with the hope of having a better experience. This pregnancy has been so different from Remi's in good and bad ways. No Gestational Diabetes, hallelujah! I'm excited to meet our cute babe in a few weeks and hope all goes well. 

If you made it this far, congratulations! 

-Aubrey

Pregnancy

I'm really bad at keeping a diary and as you can tell, I'm really bad at keeping up with blogging, but I feel like this is kind of my diary and I feel the need to write in it every so often.. looking at my history, it's looking to be about a once-a-year type deal. haha I'm okay with that. 

My last post was about my first anniversary being married to Caiden and here we are having been married for 2.5 years and expecting a baby boy in a few short weeks. It's so surreal. I think with life about to change in a major way for us, I've been feeling the need to get my thoughts down on paper (aka the internet lol). It's like my brain knows that a lot is about to go down and so I need to write about pregnancy so that my brain can dump it and open up some space for this next phase in life. 

Baby Wilkins

Our first year of marriage I would talk to Caiden about when to start our family. I felt like I was pushing for earlier rather than later because I have endometriosis and wasn't sure what our experience would be like when trying to grow our family. Caiden was not on board due to school and work being crazy, understandably so. At the beginning of Covid, we were able to sit down and really talk about what we want our future to look like and we both felt it was time to start growing our family. We started trying early on in 2020 and received negative pregnancy tests every month. It was disheartening, but I also felt like I was prepared to have issues due to my disease. 

After months with no luck, my doctor put me on Clomid. After so many blood draws to track anything and everything, we still never received that positive test. Disheartened still, but trusting in God's timing, I tried not to let it get me down. We ended up putting a pause on fertility treatments as the holidays were fast approaching and we were headed to Missouri for a few months. Mind you, we didn't say a word to our families about the difficulties in growing our family. We wanted to surprise them! It was hard not having family support through this time but I found comfort in a few friends and knew that the surprise to our families would be worth the lonely times of dealing with infertility. 

A little background, because of my endometriosis, I'd been on birth control since I was a sophomore in high school. When I went off of it, my cycles were all over the place. Definitely not regular. *Is it weird that I'm talking about my menstrual cycle for everyone to read about?? Is that TMI?? hahaha oh well*  

A few months after stopping our fertility treatments and feeling like I was a few days late for my irregular cycle to start, I once again received a negative test and ended up starting my period the next day. 

At least.. what I thought was my period..

I guess why I feel like it's important for me to point out my irregular cycles is cause it leads me into things I didn't know about pregnancy. 

I had some irregular spotting/bleeding for 3 weeks. So one day I woke up and just felt like I should take another test even though the timing of it made no sense. To my surprise (see beautiful Aubrey at 8am below) the test was immediately positive. 

So why do periods have anything to do with this? Well, what I thought was an extremely abnormal cycle, was actually a subchorionic hematoma that lasted me till about halfway through pregnancy. The reason I look so completely shocked/scared/stressed in the picture above was cause my first thoughts were that I was miscarrying because I was bleeding so much. I had never heard about consistent bleeding throughout pregnancy. Just some spotting at the beginning. 

First Trimester

My OB was definitely concerned about the bleeding so I was able to get an ultrasound and more blood draws a few days later to help confirm I was pregnant. Ultrasounds that early on in pregnancy are not super duper fun. I got ultrasounds every 2 weeks my first trimester and had so many blood draws to look for rising progesterone. Those first few weeks were so stressful. My ultrasounds weren't showing much because I was only 6 weeks along and my blood work wasn't showing consistent numbers. Although I was experiencing morning sickness, nothing compared to the stress of not seeing a heartbeat and not knowing when the bleeding would stop. 

I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy. I worked from my couch and only got up to get food or use the bathroom. I can't tell you how stressful it was to think the bleeding was stopping just to experience more a few days later. I wasn't able to lift anything heavy and when I did, I would know I overworked my body by the next day. As challenging as this first trimester was, looking back, I feel very grateful for the opportunity to see our baby boy grow and change every other week. Seeing him as a little circle to a pulsing little circle to sprouting little fingers and toes, it made me believe in a God of miracles so much more. It made me appreciate my body and the way God made me. I felt so dang cool when I'd ask Caiden what he did that day and I got to respond to with, "I made vocal cords" hahaha *TOP THAT CAIDEN* 😂

Second Trimester

Wowie is the second trimester a gift from God. Finally started to feel normal again and get my energy back. I wasn't as exhausted and I was way more comfortable with my growing body than I was in the first trimester. I was sleeping better and halfway through my second trimester that stubborn hematoma resolved and I was able to function a little more normally. 

That's really all I got for this trimester. It was just that much better than the first.

Third Trimester

Now here I am, One week from delivering our baby and I am FEELIN' it. Not in the best way haha. People say to sleep now before the baby gets here and I'm flustered cause I try to sleep and I can't! It's so dang uncomfortable! I wake up to use the bathroom multiple times a night only to lay back down and get kicked in the ribs until I move...again...and again..and again. Everyone says it gets harder once they're here and I believe it, but boy am I looking forward to sleeping comfortably again... even if it's for a limited amount of time. 

I had heard so much about the dreaded glucose test and the terrible drink you have to consume, but as I completed this test, I was pleasantly surprised. The drink was not the best but definitely not the worst thing I've ever tasted and my blood draw went fine. I talked to my phlebotomist about what would be done if I didn't pass this test and she shared quite a few horror stories with me about the 3 hour (more like 4 hour) glucose test. She ended with "avoid it at all costs". The next day I received my results and I did not pass. My Iron was also so low that they were considering doing Iron infusions. 😅😭 This news stressed me out and there I was needing to get Iron supplements stat and scheduling my 4 hour glucose test. A few days later I went to my glucose test and got 2 out of the 4 blood draws done before I threw up. That second glucose drink is twice the amount of the first one and that's A LOT of sugar. My body rejected it 2 hours in. Unfortunately, if you throw up, you have to do it all over. So I found myself back in the doctors office 3 days later to try again. Luckily I got through it without getting sick but boy are those first 2 hours tough!

I received the call a few hours later that I indeed do have Gestational Diabetes and that I would need to take on a new diet with 4 finger pricks a day to test my sugars. Feeling completely defeated and overwhelmed with the news, I cried a lot and tried to stay calm about it all. Google is not your friend when you receive news like this, but I wanted to know how this would affect the remainder of my pregnancy as well as our little boy. 

Gestational Diabetes is no joke. I now meet with a dietician once a week and I have to log my sugars, food, activity, and fetal movement everyday. On top of my Midwife visits, I have visits every few weeks at a different clinic to monitor babies growth. I had another anatomy scan to make sure baby isn't measuring too big. Welp. He's lookin' like he's gonna be a chunky lil' guy. Who knows though. We'll find out once he gets here. 

When I first got this diagnosis, I felt like it was my fault and that my eating habits were causing harm to me and my baby. Which, yes our eating habits are important and do affect us but this just felt heavier to me. I was embarrassed and felt uncomfortable letting people know for fear of them thinking I was at fault. After learning much about this diagnosis though, I've learned that it truly isn't my fault. My placenta is managing and releasing a lot of hormones and this is causing my insulin to be weaker than normal. It's actually common within diabetes to see certain sugar numbers rise even though you're following the diet. It's because as the placenta is growing in pregnancy, it is releasing even more hormones making my insulin even weaker. 

Some days are really overwhelming for me... its just been a whirlwind of emotions these past few weeks and I didn't want to forget all that I went through to get our baby here. Maybe in a few weeks I'll feel the need to write another post talking about labor and delivery and the very special moments that await us once our lil' turd gets here💙

but also...maybe not. 

hahah 

Till next time

365 Days

A year ago today is one of my favorite days and it will be for the rest of my life. 

One year ago I married this sweet thang 💕

People always say the first year of marriage will either be the best or hardest year. For Caiden and I it was *drum roll please* quite difficult. Anyone who knows us and our relationship knows we're both very stubborn people. We knew this early on into dating but we both still chose each other because after all "Choose your love and love your choice" (Thomas S. Monson comin in clutch for that one).

For sometime, I've known I've wanted to write a blog post about our anniversary, but I didn't know how to write all that this year has encompassed for us. I thought I'd start with a few things I've learned over the year and see where it takes me...

1. LESS SELFISHNESS MORE SELFLESSNESS - ugh this one is so hard and I'm embarrassed to admit that. You love someone so it should be easy to put their needs before yours...right? Welp. I'm still human and it's dang hard to forget about me myself and I. I'm workin' on it. I promise. 
2. STOP COUNTING - It doesn't matter if I did the dishes the last 5 times or he's cleaned our room everyday this week. We're a partnership and we work together to make this life of ours work. If you want your spouse to help out with something, just ask. Don't overthink it in your head like me so much so that it just comes out all in frustration. 
3. COMMUNICATION - Wowza. All the things I've learned about communication in the last 365 days. This one. Oy. This one is so very near and dear to my heart. I've gone to therapy on and off for years now. Going to therapy over the past year and learning how to communicate has been something I've treasured. Although I fail at this one often, I am so so happy with the progress I've made and the patience I've gained. Plug in - Therapy is amazing. If you are on the fence of calling and setting up an appointment. Do it. You won't regret it. Be honest and open and if you're not jiving with your therapist, there is no shame in asking for a new one😌
4. THE DAILY - When I say this, I'm referring to the daily jobs that are the most mundane and annoying tasks (to me) in marriage. Laundry, doing the dishes, and unloading and loading the dishwasher. Some weeks I am the most housewife-y wife I can be. I'm on top of it all, the kitchen is clean, the laundry is folded, dinner was homemade and delicious... HAHA. When I say some weeks, I'd say maybe a solid month or two of our marriage has looked like this.
5. MARRIAGE IS HARD - Ya know how people always say, "The mission is so hard, but so worth it." You don't really understand what 'hard' means until you're out knockin' doors with a companion you may not have the best relationship with and know you'll be together for at least the next six weeks. It's 'hard' going out and talking to strangers all day and just praying that one person will listen to your message. Yeah. Well, marriage is hard. 'Hard' in the way that you have to sometimes let things that bother you go, say "I'm sorry" first AND mean it (which means you recognize your wrongdoing instead of pointing fingers at theirs), do things that may not interest you at all, but because your significant other enjoys it, you do it annnndd etc etc etc etc. There are so many things...
6. MISSOURI - I never knew I could love a place so much. When Caiden and I were dating and we were out there visiting his family. I remember one evening we sat outside and watched the stars. Stargazing is so much better in Missouri. The world slows down over there. 
7. THE GOSPEL - I've learned that even when we are reading our scriptures, praying, and going to church, marriage is still hard. BUT. We're stronger and more prepared for the troubled times when we are making this a priority in our relationship. 
8. AUBREY WILKINS - Big LOL cause I still haven't legally changed my name. How do you do it anyways? I'm living a confused life as I'm Aubrey Wilkins in the church and in my personal life, but as soon as taxes asked me for my full name - I wasn't sure what my name was😂
9. FRIENDS - Caiden and I are very happy to announce that we still indeed have friends. Many friends. We kicked that "be ready to lose all your friends after marriage" crap out the window.
10. MARRIAGE IS SOME TYPE OF WONDERFUL -  I love coming home to Caiden everyday. I love that we don't have to pencil time in to see each other, it automatically happens. I love after a heated argument, we are close and talk about what we could have done differently. I love his family and am so grateful they are in my life forever. 

I saw a facebook post a few months back that has really stuck with me. A girl was saying how she went out with a bunch of her girlfriends and they were all talking about their dating lives and all the butterflies that come with it. This girl, married, became troubled as she started to miss all those first date/first kiss butterflies. When she got home that evening to a messy house and fighting children, her husband could tell she was off. After she cleaned up and got the kids to bed, her husband returned home from the store with her favorite treats letting her know that he could tell she needed a night to relax and enjoy the things she loves. She no longer was jealous of her friends and those butterflies, she was grateful to have someone by her side that knew her so well and was a rock in her life. 

I reflect often on the first date jitters CAIDEN had. (After we ordered our food and needed to pay before we sat down, Caiden just walked off... The cashier and I just looked at each other then back at Caiden and he quickly turned around, flushed, and paid for the meal...then continued to tell me at the table "You can probably tell I'm nervous, huh?") The jitters I had showing up to his apartment when a big social gathering was happening and hoping Caiden wouldn't leave my side cause *social anxiety* amirite? (happy to report he didn't and it's one of my most favorite memories)

I think about this girls story above and most definitely miss the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship, but having Caiden day by day to learn and grow with overpasses those butterflies. 

Celebrating our anniversary, quarantined, surely is not how I pictured it, but we made the best out of the situation. Thanks Corona!

- Aubrey Wilkins? .. Turner?