Chapters

As I got on Facebook today I saw the news about how 100 people resigned from the LDS church on Saturday, July 25. I started to read the comments and I was trying to figure out how I should feel about it. As I read these sorts of things about my faith it makes me sick to my stomach. I understand that people disagree with the LDS faith and that's how it will always be, but I felt the need to share my feelings on the whole thing and kind of let you in on ME and how I've become who I am today.

Here are a few chapters in my book.

Growing up I always went to church with my parents EVEN if I didn't want to go. I never wanted to disappoint my parents and I knew if I didn't go, I would do just that. When I hit high school it got a little bit easier to make my own decisions and one of those was to not attend my church meetings. Sure I went to sacrament here and there but I wasn't there to learn. I was there because my mom asked if I was going to church that morning. Usually my reply was a face of disgust and my mom always made sure to respond with "well at least come to sacrament." so SOMETIMES I did.

You could probably ask any one of my high school pals and they could tell you that I wasn't the best influence. Sure I could put a face on that portrayed my life better than it was, but for the most part, it was difficult. High school was difficult and I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

Throughout those years of being inactive I noticed that life slowly kept getting worse. You could say sophomore year I was still active in church but as it became my senior year I was hardly attending at all. I felt as though I was being judged when I did show up to my meetings and that made it ten times worse to want to go. So when people say it's hard to get back into church because they feel like they are being judged, I can completely relate.

When I look back at this time in my life, I see the few angels that helped me get through it. One of which was Marley. She was one of my young women leaders, which doesn't really matter because I wasn't going to young women's anyway, but she let me be her babysitter and I loved that. She would come home from shopping outings or date nights and we would talk and talk and talk. She knew everything that was going on in my life (even the bad things that I wasn't proud of), but not once did she pressure me into going to church. Not once did she make me feel like I was a bad person. Sure she would relate things to church but I never felt like I was a disappointment to her. Having her as my confidant was one of the biggest blessings throughout those years.

Another person that I love very much is Merri, also one of my young women leaders. Although I didn't see her very much or I didn't attend her activities, she always made sure I knew that she loved me. At the time, I would get annoyed with how much she kept in touch with me. haha she's so full of love and I would just roll my eyes because I thought it was just part of her calling. Looking back, I see how much she truly did and still does care for me.

Some could say "Shame on your mother for not forcing you to go" but I say the BIGGEST THANK YOU! She let me live my life (which all teenagers want-- no curfew!). I'm sure I disappointed her tons, but she made sure to let me make my own decisions. She let me have my time to figure it out for myself, which I eventually did. Having her still be my friend throughout those years and counseling me, but still letting me get away with all the stuff I did, it was the biggest blessing.

Prettiest mama ever

My point of all those long terribly written paragraphs is to make sure you know that I have not always been the biggest fan of the church. It hasn't been easy for me to accept everything and sometimes I'm not sure how to feel about specific topics, but this time in my life consisted of some of the most trying times in my life so far.

When I moved away for college, things completely changed for me. I had the desire to attend church because I was surrounded by people in similar situations. I felt like I fit in and most of all NO ONE KNEW. No one knew that these were my first few Sundays back at church and no one could judge me because no one knew my past - no one knew me. THE BIGGEST RELIEF.

The past 2 years have changed my life immensely. I was on my own and I didn't have to report to anyone at the end of the day. I was free to be me without fear of being judged. It basically was a whole new start to the book about me! New friends, new ward family, and a new beginning.

I've had the most spiritual experiences while here at college. I've felt God's love many times! I cannot deny that we have a loving Heavenly Father in Heaven who is aware of us and our situations. I have felt the warmth of a hug in the loneliest of times, I have had prayers answered in the most amazing ways and I have seen the way the Gospel can bring a family together. Especially this past week with my twin nephews being born 12 weeks early.

You may be asking how this relates to people leaving this church and how it's all over the news and maybe it seems like it doesn't, but it makes perfect sense in my head. While reading some of those comments on Facebook I was disturbed with the unthoughtful messages. Yes, people leave this church for personal reasons and I agree with many others that it should not be a public announcement, but I also disagree with some of these active members saying "Well. 100 people leave. Doesn't compare to the 15 million active members" Yeah. In a way you're right. BUT. What about those 100 people leaving.. what about their kids? and then their grandkids? Great grandkids? A pretty big dent to me.

 "My dear brothers and sisters, there will be days and 

nights when you feel overwhelmed, when your hearts are  

heavy and your heads hang down. Then, please remember, 

Jesus Christ, The Redeemer, Is the head of this church. It 

is his Gospel. He wants you to succeed. He gave his life 

for just this purpose."                  

- Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

I'm sharing my story because I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world and to feel as though the 'rules' of the church are hard to follow. To feel and semi see the difference in my life without the Gospel in it. Of course my life is not as hard as others, but I have a little slice of understanding that these people are struggling and I feel for them. I hope that they find happiness and that we can support them. As a member of the LDS church, I know how it feels to be mocked and ridiculed - I think a lot of us know what that's like. It's hurtful and uncomfortable and usually our first response is anger or frustration. Maybe it's human nature to turn around and mock someone that isn't like you, but having known what it feels like, it's a lot easier for me to take a deep breath and realize that by mocking these people for leaving the church is hypocritical. I pray that they may find it in their hearts to find Christ and that they may feel the overwhelming love He has for them, but for now all we can do is be kind and pray for them, because honestly, that was all I needed through my hard times. The few people that believed in me and loved me unconditionally helped me pull through.

I believe with all my heart that our leaders have the best intentions for us. I know that they are leading us and helping us become the best we can be. Every suggestion they give may seem like another rule or restriction that can feel as though we are being tied down, but every suggestion they give, although it may be hard to make a habit of, I see as such a guide to becoming a good person. Whether you are or are not of the LDS faith, most of their suggestions, I feel, can lead us all to becoming a healthier better you.

This Gospel is the way it is because this is God's church. Not yours. Not mine. There are plenty of opinions out there that would love to make the rules of the church to make it easier for them - heck. I've even wished that things were different - and that makes things difficult, but we must remember that things are the way they are because it is how God wants it to be. He is all knowing and knows better than we do. If we can continue in Faith and hold on when things get tough, I know that God will bless us because he has blessed me and continues to bless me.

“To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ‘more excellent ministry’ with a future of ‘better promises.’ He is your ‘high priest of good things to come.”

-Jeffrey R. Holland

I know that this post is really long and I know that people will agree and disagree with things that I have said, but for me, I am so grateful to have the knowledge of this Gospel. It has truly made me happy and I want others to feel as happy as I do. In my own life, I have seen the hand of the Lord and to think that he has made time to comfort and heal me, I know that he will comfort and heal you too.

Love,

Aubrey

Resting B**** Face

RACHEL

 ..she's the one on the right.. in the red scarf

Please embrace yourself for some not so great pictures because we hardly ever took 'seriously cute' pictures.

When I first met Rachel she was hanging out with my roommates in our living room. I hadn't been properly introduced to her, but I was super intimidated by her and I felt like she was laughing at me the whole time. I eventually left the room because I was so frustrated with "THIS GIRL!" (I say that because my thought process was as follows.. "Who does THIS GIRL think she is!? Coming over here and just laughing at me? Who does THIS GIRL think she is even coming over!?")

hahaha a few days later our apartment complex was making late night waffles and everyone in my apartment was busy except Rachel. So off we went down 4 flights of stairs to get waffles. The whole 15 minutes we were waiting in line completely changed my outlook on "THIS GIRL!" We danced in line might have even started singing and the girls in front of us were laughing at us "behind our backs" and we would just laugh with them.

Little did I know that this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Fall semester we weren't too close of friends but she was always over at our apartment hanging out with my roommates. Spring semester we ended up having Humanities together and this is where I grew to love Rachel. 

Every Tuesday and Thursday she was at my house by 8:10am and I would drive us to school. We'd part for class but meet back up for Humanities. Rach and I were definitely the teachers pet. We sat in the front and we basically got away with everything and anything. It wasn't because we sucked up to her (our teacher).. okay maybe a little.. but she loved us because we actually participated in class... and we were pretty funny!

We both had a pretty big gap between classes so we would usually go get a burger, fries, and a wolverine mint brownie shake... SO GOOD! Some days we would feel bad about our eating habits so Rachel would try to say no. I say try because I was the devil on her shoulder saying that it was worth it and that burgers are good for you :) sometimes if we managed to pack a lunch for the day we would go sit in my car and eat and usually try to take a nap.

We had late night study sessions... well I guess you could call them "late night banging-our-heads-against-the-table sessions" We would write our Humanities papers and Rachel would always finish before me because she's an amazing writer. I remember the one time I had 5 minutes left to submit my paper and I hadn't cited my sources. dang sources. She helped me cite them and I submitted it by 11:58pm. 1 minute before it was due.

On this ^ particular day we sat down in the hall and snap chatted all the guys sitting next to us without them even knowing. We even got the guys sitting across the hall. We kept trying to figure out which one of them would date us. I think we concluded that all of them would haha

 One night while we were studying we got into a really deep conversation and I learned things about Rachel that made me feel even closer to her. We talked about things that we were struggling with and even brought up things from our past. It was so comforting to know that behind all of our goofy-ness we had a life that wasn't easy but had pushed us in ways that made us who we are today. 

And now my dear friend is leaving for her mission and I'm so proud of her. I remember after she had her interview with the Stake President who gave her the okay to go she came over right after still dressed in her Sunday best and we jumped around the kitchen together.

You know in those cheesy movies when the main character has flash backs of them with another person and it's all slow motion and their running to each other through a field of flowers and it's all sparkles and sunshine.. Well I often look back at the memories I have with Rachel like that haha. not really but hey. It was sentimental for a minute.

I love this beautiful friend of mine and I'm so grateful for her. She may have Resting B**** Face but she's the sweetest person I've ever met. She has always been there for me when I've struggled even after she moved back home. She was the spiritual giant that I leaned on when I couldn't hold myself, she let me vent to her when I was frustrated with life and she can always make me laugh. Uruguay is so lucky to be getting her and they better take such good care of her for me. 

Love,

Aub-dawg

We enjoy The Phantom of the Opera very much.

Recorders are fun... especially when Rachel hits the notes for you.

Spring Break videos have flooded my computer and this is one of my favorites.

PS. Let's give my cute friend Sydney a shoutout for surviving 9 weeks in the MTC and making it to Korea! Woohoo!

Waterproof Mascara

As the Urban Dictionary says:

Meltdown: Describes what happens when a person freaks out, cracks, loses control of themselves. Life - reality at large- becomes overwhelming. They just can't deal with it all. The person may act out, withdraw, become emotional, run, etc...

Well this past week was full of meltdowns and every time I found myself tearing up I realized that I deserved this meltdown because I hadn't had one in awhile. haha women. Am I right?

Sitting down with a friend and telling him how frustrated I was to feel like I was doing so well and then all of a sudden feeling back at square one only caused the last meltdown of the week. 

Nothing beats the sight of a hysterical emotional girl with a few.. okay.. a lot of mascara filled tears running down her face (I think it's time I invest in waterproof mascara). Okay okay every sight probably beats that, but nothing beats the peaceful feeling you get after you've just let everything out. 

Hooray for being emotional!!

Yesterday I was able to go to a few of my friends homecomings and throughout the day I would see random people from high school and they would even get up out of their chairs to hug me. Seriously, such kind and beautiful (handsome too) friends I have. All day long I kept feeling so much love from these people that I honestly didn't even hang out with much in high school.

Last night as I laid in bed after my long successful Sunday, I couldn't help but think about my day and feel so thankful for these people who have befriended me even when I wasn't always a friend to them. I felt so loved from them and they didn't even know that I was needing it. I didn't even know how desperately I was needing to feel their love.

The Lord has always been in the details and it's times like this where I'm grateful to have the knowledge of his constant care. I've felt like I've been in the refiners fire for quite some time and although I can't quite see his vision of who he wants me to be, I know that by these trying times I am being prepared for something even greater than I can imagine. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints brings me so much happiness and I know it can change a persons life because it has changed mine.

Click here for more Mormon Messages.

Love,

Aubrey Marie