June 6, 2025
It's been a minute since I've found the time to sit down and give an update on the good ol' blog... okay, let's be real, I've had plenty of time to sit down and write.. I'm just lazy, and oh so tired. SO TIRED. I, in fact, am so tired that I ASKED for a blood draw today at my midwife appointment because I think I'm anemic and need some help.
So here's the update:
The conference room chat that I mentioned in my prior post, it went well. I only cried for like 3 whole minutes out of the 2 hours we were there. It's just small moments when you realize you're actually talking about how to make your child comfortably pass from this life where you have this like, "Wow. That's the conversation I'm having right now. This is real life." that catch me off guard and get me emotional. The team we met with were super awesome, kind, and knowledgeable which helped me breathe easier. After doing all my research on which hospital to deliver at, we went with the hospital in the city -- the one an hour and a half away from where we currently live. It's definitely a commitment to drive up every other week and soon every week, but I feel we will receive the best care.
We bought our first home!!
The home that I also mentioned in my prior post.. yeah.. the one that is 3 hours away from the hospital that we're delivering at.. yeah. That one! We closed a week ago. Luckily we have no rush to get moved over so we will slowly move throughout the month of June and officially be in by the end of the month. That drive to the hospital is gonna be long but it's okay. We also got an induction date scheduled for July 7th, which when I received the call to confirm this delivery day.. it made me sick to my stomach honestly. It put an "end" date on things if you want to put it that way. Partly feel sick because did I just pick Jensen's death date?
...moving on
This last weekend I had some pretty intense bleeding and was super concerned I was going into preterm labor. I headed to the local hospital where I met our good family friend Dr. Gilbert (also mentioned in previous posts) to ultrasound me quickly to see if we needed to head to the city hospital's ER. He even called my previous OBGYN who stopped by my appointment to look at my ultrasound to double check everything. They sent me up to labor and delivery to have a non-stress test and everything seemed fine.. so while I'm clueless as to why I was bleeding, Jensen was super active the whole time and honestly, I was more concerned about my health then Jensen's in that moment because he seemed to be happily kicking like he always does. Luckily, the bleeding has tapered off and I'm praying it stays away.
Another neat experience throughout all this -- Jensen has been breach my entire pregnancy. About a month ago, my midwife had mentioned that as we got closer to delivery, she could give me some tricks to help try to flip him head down. After that appointment, in our family prayers every night, I would try to be specific and ask that Jensen would go head down before labor. 2 weeks after that appointment, I went in for another MFM ultrasound and the tech was in awe at how low Jensen is and BOY DO I FEEL IT. He is so lowwww. I'm just super grateful that God listened to my prayers and that Jensen is such a good listener and decided to go head down. Not always common for anencephalic babies.
We've started talking to Remi and Free about Jensen's diagnosis. Its brought me to tears a few times as we try to be as honest about Jensen's situation with them. I've tried explaining what and where their brains are and that Jensen is missing a lot of his and so he won't be coming home with us. Remi now understands that Jensen will live with Jesus "at his house" in Heaven, which has been so special to see him *kinda* grasp what that means. The heartbreaking moments are when Remi says, "But I won't get to play with him?!?" in a very concerned and sad tone. ...no buddy. Jensen won't get to play with you. We've talked about bringing a toy to the hospital with him for when he meets Jensen and Remi is now on the hunt for a good toy. He keeps asking me if he should bring his Hot Wheels Garage, which is 3-4 times Remi's size haha
I've started having dreams about delivering Jensen. I wouldn't say good dreams, I wouldn't say bad.. but ones that I wake up from feeling depressed and not wanting to get out of bed. I'm 5 weeks away from delivering him and all the unknowns will become lived experiences and part of me feels ready. Part of me wants to get it over with. The other part of me is hoping it never comes. It's a weird balance.
So overall, the anxiety is starting to get to me.. but I try to not let it overcome this experience and make it a negative thing. I'm just praying that the day we meet and the day we say goodbye to Jensen (while I know it will be traumatizing and heartbreaking) I hope the overall feelings are joy, love and peace.
-Aubrey
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