As I got on Facebook today I saw the news about how 100 people resigned from the LDS church on Saturday, July 25. I started to read the comments and I was trying to figure out how I should feel about it. As I read these sorts of things about my faith it makes me sick to my stomach. I understand that people disagree with the LDS faith and that's how it will always be, but I felt the need to share my feelings on the whole thing and kind of let you in on ME and how I've become who I am today.
Here are a few
chapters in my book.
Growing up I always went to church with my parents EVEN if I didn't want to go. I never wanted to disappoint my parents and I knew if I didn't go, I would do just that. When I hit high school it got a little bit easier to make my own decisions and one of those was to not attend my church meetings. Sure I went to sacrament here and there but I wasn't there to learn. I was there because my mom asked if I was going to church that morning. Usually my reply was a face of disgust and my mom always made sure to respond with "well at least come to sacrament." so SOMETIMES I did.
You could probably ask any one of my high school pals and they could tell you that I wasn't the best influence. Sure I could put a face on that portrayed my life better than it was, but for the most part, it was difficult. High school was difficult and I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.
Throughout those years of being inactive I noticed that life slowly kept getting worse. You could say sophomore year I was still active in church but as it became my senior year I was hardly attending at all. I felt as though I was being judged when I did show up to my meetings and that made it ten times worse to want to go. So when people say it's hard to get back into church because they feel like they are being judged, I can completely relate.
When I look back at this time in my life, I see the few angels that helped me get through it. One of which was Marley. She was one of my young women leaders, which doesn't really matter because I wasn't going to young women's anyway, but she let me be her babysitter and I loved that. She would come home from shopping outings or date nights and we would talk and talk and talk. She knew everything that was going on in my life (even the bad things that I wasn't proud of), but not once did she pressure me into going to church. Not once did she make me feel like I was a bad person. Sure she would relate things to church but I never felt like I was a disappointment to her. Having her as my confidant was one of the biggest blessings throughout those years.
Another person that I love very much is Merri, also one of my young women leaders. Although I didn't see her very much or I didn't attend her activities, she always made sure I knew that she loved me. At the time, I would get annoyed with how much she kept in touch with me. haha she's so full of love and I would just roll my eyes because I thought it was just part of her calling. Looking back, I see how much she truly did and still does care for me.
Some could say "Shame on your mother for not forcing you to go" but I say the BIGGEST THANK YOU! She let me live my life (which all teenagers want-- no curfew!). I'm sure I disappointed her tons, but she made sure to let me make my own decisions. She let me have my time to figure it out for myself, which I eventually did. Having her still be my friend throughout those years and counseling me, but still letting me get away with all the stuff I did, it was the biggest blessing.
Prettiest mama ever
My point of all those long terribly written paragraphs is to make sure you know that I have not always been the biggest fan of the church. It hasn't been easy for me to accept everything and sometimes I'm not sure how to feel about specific topics, but this time in my life consisted of some of the most trying times in my life so far.
When I moved away for college, things completely changed for me. I had the desire to attend church because I was surrounded by people in similar situations. I felt like I fit in and most of all NO ONE KNEW. No one knew that these were my first few Sundays back at church and no one could judge me because no one knew my past - no one knew me. THE BIGGEST RELIEF.
The past 2 years have changed my life immensely. I was on my own and I didn't have to report to anyone at the end of the day. I was free to be me without fear of being judged. It basically was a whole new start to the book about me! New friends, new ward family, and a new beginning.
I've had the most spiritual experiences while here at college. I've felt God's love many times! I cannot deny that we have a loving Heavenly Father in Heaven who is aware of us and our situations. I have felt the warmth of a hug in the loneliest of times, I have had prayers answered in the most amazing ways and I have seen the way the Gospel can bring a family together. Especially this past week with my twin nephews being born 12 weeks early.
You may be asking how this relates to people leaving this church and how it's all over the news and maybe it seems like it doesn't, but it makes perfect sense in my head. While reading some of those comments on Facebook I was disturbed with the unthoughtful messages. Yes, people leave this church for personal reasons and I agree with many others that it should not be a public announcement, but I also disagree with some of these active members saying "Well. 100 people leave. Doesn't compare to the 15 million active members" Yeah. In a way you're right. BUT. What about those 100 people leaving.. what about their kids? and then their grandkids? Great grandkids? A pretty big dent to me.
"My dear brothers and sisters, there will be days and
nights when you feel overwhelmed, when your hearts are
heavy and your heads hang down. Then, please remember,
Jesus Christ, The Redeemer, Is the head of this church. It
is his Gospel. He wants you to succeed. He gave his life
for just this purpose."
- Dieter F. Uchtdorf
I'm sharing my story because I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world and to feel as though the 'rules' of the church are hard to follow. To feel and semi see the difference in my life without the Gospel in it. Of course my life is not as hard as others, but I have a little slice of understanding that these people are struggling and I feel for them. I hope that they find happiness and that we can support them. As a member of the LDS church, I know how it feels to be mocked and ridiculed - I think a lot of us know what that's like. It's hurtful and uncomfortable and usually our first response is anger or frustration. Maybe it's human nature to turn around and mock someone that isn't like you, but having known what it feels like, it's a lot easier for me to take a deep breath and realize that by mocking these people for leaving the church is hypocritical. I pray that they may find it in their hearts to find Christ and that they may feel the overwhelming love He has for them, but for now all we can do is be kind and pray for them, because honestly, that was all I needed through my hard times. The few people that believed in me and loved me unconditionally helped me pull through.
I believe with all my heart that our leaders have the best intentions for us. I know that they are leading us and helping us become the best we can be. Every suggestion they give may seem like another rule or restriction that can feel as though we are being tied down, but every suggestion they give, although it may be hard to make a habit of, I see as such a guide to becoming a good person. Whether you are or are not of the LDS faith, most of their suggestions, I feel, can lead us all to becoming a healthier better you.
This Gospel is the way it is because this is God's church. Not yours. Not mine. There are plenty of opinions out there that would love to make the rules of the church to make it easier for them - heck. I've even wished that things were different - and that makes things difficult, but we must remember that things are the way they are because it is how God wants it to be. He is
all knowing and knows better than we do. If we can continue in Faith and hold on when things get tough, I know that God will bless us because he has blessed me and continues to bless me.
“To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His ‘more excellent ministry’ with a future of ‘better promises.’ He is your ‘high priest of good things to come.”
-Jeffrey R. Holland
I know that this post is really long and I know that people will agree and disagree with things that I have said, but for me, I am so grateful to have the knowledge of this Gospel. It has truly made me happy and I want others to feel as happy as I do. In my own life, I have seen the hand of the Lord and to think that he has made time to comfort and heal me, I know that he will comfort and heal you too.
Love,
Aubrey
