4 months ago we welcomed you into our arms. 4 months ago a lot of the unknowns became reality. This milestone hits harder for me as it was at 4 months pregnant when we found out about your diagnosis. 4 months of trying to grasp our new reality, trying to plan and prepare the best way we could, 4 months of tears and grief. It honestly felt like the longest 4 months of my life.. and yet, here we are. 4 months postpartum and it's been the fastest 4 months of my life. It's unfair. It's scary. Time is going too quickly. What if I start forgetting little details? I've already started forgetting how it felt to hold you. All 5 pounds and 9 ounces of you. You were so small. But also didn't really feel all that small since you were always swaddled in two blankets. I was scared to hold newborns for awhile, but I finally did it. It wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. You were so different than these babies. So still. So quiet. Rarely opened your eyes, rarely made noises other than you suckling and your hiccups. It makes me happy that you were different and that holding newborns doesn't absolutely kill me, but it hurts too. Hurt's that I don't get the newborn grunts and scrunch. Makes the reality of your time here hit deeper and sting more as you were different because of your anomaly. I wish I knew how much you comprehended during those 6 days.
The other day the boys were riding their bikes along the sidewalk, Remi leading and Freeman close behind. I envisioned you following behind. It was a precious thought and invoked a small sense of sadness in me. The last time I felt that was the week we found out about the Anencephaly and the boys were playing in the living room. The sadness sat with me longer then. I've turned my attention to making our house a home. I've bought tons of picture frames and I'm dying to get them all filled up with pictures of our family. I chuckle at the thought of trying to balance remembering you but not making a Jensen shrine all over our house. We received so many wonderful gifts during and after your life-how do I pick what to put up and what to put in our "Jensen" bin?
The world is scary. I'm so glad you don't have to live in it. I've wanted to crawl inside a hole and just go back to our 6 days with you. No cares about anything other than our little family. Snuggling you, the boys joining us in the mornings and gawking over you and your tiny features. Heaven feeling so unbelievably close. Now, I'm dealing with all the postpartum hormones with two toddlers and trying to be consistent. I'm not good at consistency, Jensen. You would've learned that eventually.. you probably actually already knew that haha.
Happy 4 months Jensen boy. We’re finalizing the details for your headstone. A terrible birthday gift honestly, but it's going to be beautiful and I can't wait to see it. I know you're where you're needed but it doesn't take the sting away of not having you here. For awhile, Remi would ask me how to cut the brain off. He thought that since your brain was exposed that if we would've just cut it off, you would've been normal and got to stay. I keep trying to teach him that we need a brain and that our brains are inside our heads. So now he keeps asking me for a normal baby. One with a brain on the inside. It's sweet and tender. Makes me sad, but also makes me happy he loves you so much to want another one of you here. He’s in his singing era and loves to sing about you and how he misses you and how you’re with Jesus and in outer space. Come visit us please.
Love,
Mom
