here i am at 11:56 pm writing my thoughts down because they won't stop.
i'm here telling my brain to shush. but no.
yeah, i'll probably delete this post tomorrow for realizing how dumb it is... but maybe not.
today as i drove to work "A Sky Full of Stars" by Coldplay came on and i was so moved by this song.
i literally was in another world. (no worries. i made it to work safely)
how breath taking are these lyrics.
"A Sky Full Of Stars" 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of starsI'm gonna give you my heart'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars'Cause you light up the path I don't care, go on and tear me apart I don't care if you do, ooh 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars I think I saw you 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars I wanna die in your arms 'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark I'm gonna give you my heart I don't care, go on and tear me apart I don't care if you do, ooh 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars I think I see you I think I see you 'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars Such a heavenly view You're such a heavenly view
Chris Martin came out with this album around the time he and his wife announced they would be separating.
you can make your own claims as to whether this album was based upon his feelings through his divorce.
but.
this song.
this song sings to my soul.
i feel his passion.
i feel his intensity.
maybe it's just late and i'm over thinking like i always do.
maybe i'm just getting sappy because life is rough sometimes.
but maybe i just want to be sad and not feel the weight of sadness at the same time.. if that even makes sense?
maybe i want to post a crappy post and not care if people think that it's completely crappy.
i don't want to think about the people saying "what happened to her?"
my point is life sucks sometimes.
you don't always get what you want and i hate that.
sometimes i wish i could go back to the time when i was completely scared out of my mind to long-board down Provo Canyon but i felt completely free. i felt success. i wish i could go back to the day where i put on a wet-suit just to get in freezing cold water-which ps. is not usual for me. but i did it. i wish i could go back to the days where i was putting on pounds of make-up for a dance concert or drill performance. where i was in my element on that stage doing what i do best. expressing myself.
these days expressing myself is difficult. hence this jumbled up rant of thoughts.
a few days after my surgery i woke up and my first thought was i don't want to do today. i don't want to have to roll to my side and push myself up without using any stomach muscles. i just don't want to do it. for the first time in a long time i literally had no motivation to move. moving was painful. sleeping was painful. even laughing was painful. i don't even know how to express what i felt that morning but it really caught me off guard. laying there all day and feeling sorry for myself was something that i had seriously considered.
i'm drowning in all of these thoughts but for once i've written them down and i'm starting to feel better.
the point is that we live in the now. there's no way i can stop tomorrow from coming. it's coming whether i want it to or not and for once i sob over the fact that i want it to slow down.
