Jensen Wilkins February 26, 2025

February 26, 2025

Jensen Wilkins💙

We have only known about Jensen's diagnosis for a short 48 hours. Wow. So many emotions in such a short amount of time. My body seems to be recognizing the grief faster than my brain is processing it. Random heart racing moments, random nausea moments, random stomach issues. Our bodies are incredible, but also, it sucks to wake up with so much anxiety. Mornings seem to be the most tender for me. 

Never ever have I been a person to commit to a name for my kid before actually seeing them. With Remi, we had 3 names that we had our nurses and doctors vote on haha Remington was the least voted for but it felt right. It is the right name for him. Freeman. Ha. My whole pregnancy I was in love with the name "Beckett" and I was so excited for it. Then he came out and I looked at him and knew Beckett wasn't his name. We had a few other options for him, but Caiden and I couldn't quite agree on them. So how did Freeman get his name you ask? *Caiden cuts the cord* OB: "Well, You're a free man" *Caiden: 👀" and yeah. That's how he got his name. Again, it is the right name for him haha it's so random but one of our favorite stories. 

Let's set the scene before I go into how we decided on Jensen at 20 weeks pregnant. We found out we were pregnant the night of the 2024 election. We were excited and shocked and also I felt a little dread having a third child when I felt all consumed by my 2 toddlers already. But, of course, the excitement was at the top of the emotions. I finally got in to see our OB and have our first ultrasound around 9 weeks and it was good. Shortly after I started having random thoughts about miscarriage. I chalked it up to hearing stories of loved ones and just pregnancy thoughts. These thoughts just kept coming and I finally sat down with Caiden and told him that these thoughts were there and I verbally said, "I'm not saying this will happen, but if I miscarry, God has prepared me." I am SO grateful I verbalized these vulnerable feelings. Again, these thoughts didn't consume me. They honestly didn't give me anxiety. They were just random thoughts. I shared these thoughts with actually a couple other people, but again, we all assume everything will go smoothly so you just dismiss these.

Fast forward to the weekend before my anatomy scan. I started to have some bleeding. It wasn't enough to make me circle down the drain in anxiety but I definitely was on edge. I decided to take it easy that weekend. Lying down seemed to slow the flow so that's what I did. As I was home alone while everyone was at church, I was lying in bed watching reels and came across a sad story of a mother who passed away from cancer leaving behind her 5 year old son and husband. As I learned more about their story I became weepy that soon became full blown sobbing. I had the distinct thought, "Aubrey. This is sad but I'm not THIS sad about it." I was caught off guard by my own meltdown. I sat up in bed and another distinct thought came, "I'm going to lose the baby." Immediately upon this fleeting thought my chest felt half peace, half numbness. The tears slowed down and I got up out of bed, moved to the couch to kinda give myself a reset. I noted that if I miscarry, God has been preparing me, but again, I mostly chalked it up to random pregnancy thoughts and concerns and moved on. Little did I know what the next morning had in store for me. 

After finding out about Jensen's diagnosis and learning that I was indeed going to lose our baby at some point in time, it's still traumatizing and difficult, but I find peace in knowing that God so explicitly prepared me. While I feel extremely unprepared for the future, at the same time, I feel prepared. It's weird. 

During my first trimester, I threw around the name Jensen for a boy. I had a few options if we so happened to have a girl, but only really liked Jensen at the time. After our anatomy scan and before the phone call that flipped our world upside down, we chatted about names and again, I brought up Jensen. I went through my "NAMES" list on my phone that I've had since high school and went through all the boy names. My newest addition being Jensen. As we drove home, Caiden asked me, "Does this one feel different?" I hesitated but eventually said, "Yes, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is." 20 minutes later we got the first news of his diagnosis. Caiden shared with me then that he asked me that because he felt like we just weren't going to meet this baby boy of ours. 

As we laid in our bed an hour after the phone call preparing to call my parents, I felt like I needed to look up Jensen's name and what it means. My phone immediately pulled up "God is Gracious." While this feels the furthest thing from a gracious act from God, I couldn't help but feel so much love from Him because he prepared me in a way that I immediately recognized. What a blessing. Soon after, we decided that his name would be Jensen.

While it feels foreign to have a name to my baby that I've never seen before, it's felt right. He needs a name while we have him, and him being in my belly might be the only time we have with him so Jensen it is. 

-Aubrey